The struggle is real

I have been struggling. The last third of 2021 was rough on our family. I don’t share this for your sympathy or your tears, but because I strive to be transparent and we of course we can *always* use your prayers. Dare I say this goliath has us down, and possibly right where God wants us?

When David woke up on the day he defeated Goliath, I sincerely doubt he knew that day was THE day. Instead he bebopped over to take lunch to his big brothers and then felt the calling to do more. To take on Goliath! So he did. And he won because of what the trials he’d been through previously taught him. Because he whole-heartedly believed – KNEW – God was in control.

So why am I having such a hard time? I mean, compared to David, it’s cake. But just for fun, let’s rehash:

In one week at the end of August Josh gets Covid, Sister Girl got RSV and was hospitalized, Miller went to stay with Gigi, and we found out Sister was moving to another state within the month. Covid – scary. Miller exposed to Covid – super scary. Sister Girl with RSV – scary. Sister Girl moving – devastating.

September we had to say “see you later” to Sis when she moved away with her bio dad. The week she was to move was the week we’d planned to visit sunny Florida for our 10^th wedding anniversary. Well, we clearly weren’t willing to sacrifice a minute with her, so we postponed. And then cancelled. It’s just a trip. A vacation. And some people never get to go on vacation, so this is very small potatoes in the grand scheme, but 10 years is the point here. We wanted to celebrate our ups, downs and in-betweens of marriage because we made it! And we did celebrate, just a bit differently than we intended.

October I got Covid. Then we welcomed two new little fosters into our home. We started advocating, we rearranged the house, we enrolled the big boy in school. But we battled illness for four weeks. Their little immune systems were nonexistent. And it took a toll on all of us.

November our baby fosters left. We had to admit defeat – we weren’t the best situation for them because of their needs and Miller’s needs and a growing business. That’s stupid hard – to acknowledge we can’t do something. But we couldn’t. And they found a WONDERFUL fit and are in excellent hands! But it isn’t us and that’s hard. Also in November, Miller went on strike. He decided the changes were too much, in addition to some changes in supplements, and he quit eating. Just stopped. And our boy who has always been thin is now skinny. It breaks my heart and that’s scary and hard and defeating. We’ve had to have conversations about feeding tubes. We’re still having conversations about feeding tubes, albeit less often. But it is a very serious situation that causes this mama heartache and stress and fear for our little Miller David. We are working with a new pediatrician. He is under the care of doctors. Whatever the outcome he will be OK, but it’s hard.

December we tried to muddle through a Christmas with an unhappy boy and without our girl. It brings me to tears even typing that. And at the end of the month, our beloved nanny AKA “Saint Taylor” moved. She was ready for the next chapter in her life and we whole-heartedly support her! But we miss her.

So here we are, picking up those pieces and putting on a brave face. Facing these goliaths as we know how – how God has trained us thus far. And we will win. Today, the beloved Mrs. Darlene stopped by with her brother to bring a beautiful auction item for Mulligans for Miller, and as we were talking she used the word “exceptionality” in regards to a disability or special need. Exceptionality.

Exceptionality – (1) unusual, not typical. (2) unusually good, outstanding. (3) [of a child] mentally or physically disabled so as to require special schooling.

It clicked. I’m thinking about this all wrong: Miller is exceptional. He is not typical. He is unusually good. He does have a disability. And while it is heavy, it is not meant to be mine to carry.

We WILL fight for Miller. We are fighting – we’re hosting Mulligans for Miller on March 19, 2022. We’re raising funds for a cure with your help. I am trying to busy my hands while God does His thing in me. I feel like Ricky Bobby from Talladega Nights “I don’t know what to do with my hands.” It is funny because its true.

All that to say, I went down a TikTok-reel rabbit hole (say that 5x fast) and found this gal using voiceover from a John Gray sermon that says:

You’ve been praying and crying at night saying “God why me?” and God whispered back “Why not you?”

“I didn’t sentence you to pain, I trusted you with it.

I didn’t sentence you to trial, I trusted you with trial.

Because I knew that even through your tears you wouldn’t deny my name.

Even through your pain, you wouldn’t stop worshipping.

Even through your questions, you wouldn’t stop serving.

Even through the rejection, you would not stop sowing.”

Is there anybody in spite of circumstance, in spite of what looked like a coin flip, you still served God? You still honored God? Still praised God? Still gave him glory? I wish you could give Him glory in this place.

Don’t wait until tonight to make noise, you might as well make noise right now.

Now, this is pertinent for a number of reasons, but you know how He knows the number of hairs on our head and such? He KNOWS I blog at night. My words come to me once the house is still and quiet and everyone is asleep. Not today! This download is pouring out of me and I’m more than happy to put it out there. I’ve said before and I’ll say it again: You get the glory from this. He gets the glory. Whatever we go through, He gets it. He’s been down this road. He knows. I just have to quit b*tchin’ and moanin’ and complainin’ and get on board.

This is me, hopping on the boat. Pray for some calm waters, would you?

Much love and SAVE THE DATE,

Jac, Josh and Mill